“Surprise Guests and Spider-Man Himself Drop In For The Finale” By Guy Aoki

[note:  Apologies.  Blogger was down for DAYS and although I wrote this review the night after the competition, I was unable to post it until now.]

     Wednesday, May 25.  For all the hype Ryan Seacrest usually lays on us during the regular “American Idol” shows, it’s strange how he underplays the magnitude of the “real artists” who appear on the finale.  Once again, he didn’t tease much of what to expect or even proclaim something along the lines of:  “Tonight, you’ll see some of the biggest artists on the entire planet singing with the best Idol contestants we’ve ever produced!” 

     He reported there were over 122 million votes cast for either Scotty McCreery or Lauren Alaina, a new record.  In the course of this season, there were almost three quarters of a billion votes, which breaks down to two votes for every person in the United States (make your own joke here contrasting this with the percentage of people who actually vote in elections that really matter—those which determine who runs the country).  We saw arenas full of hometown fans pulling for Alaina in Chattanooga, Tennessee and McCreery in Raleigh, North Carolina.

     There were 15 performances throughout the 2 hour, 7 minute show (showing its arrogance, “Idol” often likes to go beyond the allotted hour, pissing off a lot of people whose DVRs stop recording by the time Seacrest finally gets around to announcing the winner; they risked angering viewers again this year).

1.  Top 13:  “Born This Way”/Lady Gaga.   Not much to say about this except Ashton Jones now has straight hair and looks kinda like Beyonce.

     In the first of three “tributes” to this year’s judges, Seacrest introduced a montage of Randy Jackson-isms complete with back-to back proclamations that close to 10 different singers were “in it to win it!”

2.  James Durbin and Judas Priest:  “Living After Midnight” and “Breaking the Law.”  Our metal head got to perform with one of his favorite bands on two of their best known songs and Durbin’s and Rob Halford’s voices were so similar, I couldn’t tell the difference between two.  I thought Steven Tyler had previously agreed to sing with Durbin.  Anyway, just in time (to have it promoted by Seacrest), the band’s going on their farewell tour next month.

3.  Jacob Lusk and Kirk Franklin with Gladys Knight:  “I Smile.”  The gayest one of all came out with Franklin at the piano barking out some commands and had a gay ‘ole time on Franklin’s song.  Out of the blue, there was an on-screen plea for $10 donations to the Red Cross for the hurricane victims.  It was a pleasant surprise to see Knight, a great example of a gospel-inspired singer who never overdid it and was known for one of the best record fadeouts (remember “Midnight Train To Georgia?”  “I’ve got to go!  I’ve got to go!  I’ve got to go!  Hey!”—that was all ad- libbed).

4.  Casey Abrams and Jack Black:  “Fat Bottom Girls”/Queen.  The arrangement sounded slightly on the country side and Black’s always a fun presence.  People forget he was once in the duo Tenacious D and really knows how to sing.

     Reminding us that we’re really here to crown a winner, Seacrest offered another contorted statement:  “I promise to try” to announce the results before the DVRs stopped.  Uh, does that mean you’ll promise to try to let us know before 10:00 or 10:07?

5.  Top 13 gals:  “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It),” "Irreplaceable," "Get Me Bodied," "If I Were Boy," "Déjà Vu,” and “Crazy In Love” with Beyonce.  It was nice seeing Thia Megia handle the lead vocals on the second hit as it displayed the funky, sassy side of her we saw during Hollywood Week which disappeared by the time she made the Top 13 where she sang mostly ballads (mostly well done, but the judges never let her hear the end of it; don’t get me started on how Scotty McCreery was nevertheless encouraged to do the same old country song every time).  The medley of hits by Beyonce was a clue that the diva herself was going to perform and she did on the last song accompanied by four dancers as if 7 contestants around her wasn’t enough.

     Seacrest saluted Steven Tyler with a montage of his goofy statements and bleeped outbursts.  That’s part of the rock legend’s appeal, so it’s disappointing that when it came to judging the contestants, he became Sandy Duncan (too far back a reference?  How about Mother Teresa?).

6.  Haley Reinhart and Tony Bennett:  “Steppin’ Out.”  In the middle of the standard, it appeared the 84-year old crooner forgot the words.  Still, it’s reassuring that he never seems to change and is still around to represent those classy singers from a bygone era.  Seacrest announced that Bennett’s second album of duets will be out in September.

     Finally, Seacrest poked fun at Jennifer Lopez.  The angle was that everybody loved her including those who auditioned and those who made it into the Top 13.  I wished they’d showed one of the auditions where a Latina (the one with the stars over her big boobs) began crying and told Lopez she couldn’t look at her because she was her idol growing up.  After seeing Lopez in Selena, she was inspired to become an entertainer.  Despite that the fact that the woman was a bit of a joke and later proved to be a diva without a cause, it brought me to tears as it demonstrated the need for people of all races to have role models to inspire them to actualize their potential (it probably wasn’t shown because it didn’t fit with the levity of the other clips). 

7.  Top 13 gals with Lil Jon and TLC:  “Scrubs” and ”Waterfalls.”  Lil Jon, whom I gained respect for on this season’s “Celebrity Apprentice,” stalked the stage talking in his abrasive voice leading to the two surviving members of TLC singing two of their biggest hits with the 7 female contestants who, strangely, weren’t audible as background singers.  I always thought Paul McCartney should’ve sued the songwriters of “Waterfalls” for stealing too many of the lyrics from his own 1980 single of the same name.

8.  Scotty McCreery and Tim McGraw:  “Live Like You Were Dying.”  The first of our finalists took to the stage to duet on a country star’s own big hit, one of the best country songs of the past decade.  Surprisingly, despite this hit requiring the upper range of his vocals, McCreery acquitted himself well even after the key change (meaning he should’ve done more challenging material like this throughout the competition to disprove naysayers like me). 

     We were “treated” to a montage of some of the worst singers of the past season.  Unlike before, none of them were invited onto the stage to “perform.”  Looking back on this year’s refurbished “Idol,” there weren’t that many changes from past seasons as we were lead to believe.  Initially, we were told there would no longer be celebrity mentors or theme nights.  Har har.  I’m surprised Jimmy Iovine never came out to be recognized for his contributions (I once saw him in the audience but Seacrest never pointed him out; he was always relegated to taped rehearsals).  I agreed more than disagreed with him, though he made a few wrong calls when selecting material for some of the contestants.

9.  Marc Anthony with Jennifer Lopez:  “Aguanile.”  The bug-eyed monster came out to perform some Spanish song closing his eyes throughout most of it (for which we should probably be thankful).  So how could he know his wife was dancing behind him and that she came up to him shimming her butt to the camera?  She overshadowed him.  Tapping away on percussion frenetically was Sheila E.  I thought it would’ve been novel for her to break into a few bars of her biggest hit “The Glamorous Life,” but no dice.

     We saw a taped mock debate between Casey Abrams and James Durbin as to whose elimination was more shocking with each claiming it was their own.  Pfft, I thought, what about Pia Toscano?  That was the real shocker!  Happily, toward the end, she appeared dressed up as a beauty queen with a sash that read “Most shocking” with the “g” smaller than the rest of the preceding letters (they ran out of space?!).  “What’re you guys talking about?” she asked.  Both mumbled, “Nothing.”  “That’s what I thought!”

10.  Top 13 guys:  “Kiss” (lead:  Stefano Langone), “She’s a Lady” (Paul MacDonald), “What’s New Pussycat” (James Durbin), “Green, Green Grass of Home” (Scotty McCreery), “Love Me Tonight” (Jacob Lusk), “Delilah” (Casey Abrams), “It’s Not Unusual” with Tom Jones. At first, I thought this was a random grouping of hits but when Durbin launched into “Pussycat” (a mismatch), I thought, “Waaait a minute!  Tom Jones sang ‘Kiss’ too!  Sh*t!  He’s going to come out too!”  And just in time.  The group’s whine on “Delilah” (“Why why whyyyyyy”) was lapsing into camp until Jones—now sporting natural white hair--came out and brought us back to the swinging ‘60s with his first hit still sounding vocally powerful.  Jack Black was dancing up a storm in the audience.  It was a lot of fun.  I’m sure one of “Idol’s” British producers--Simon Fuller or Nigel Lythgoe—suggested their fellow Brit, showing their age and bias, but hey, I forgive them.

11.  Lady Gaga:  “The Edge of Glory.”  This was yet another new single from the millennium’s answer to Madonna who wore a diamond shaped (sideways) lampshade on her head.  Toward the end, she writhed on the floor with a male dancer looking like they were going to do it.  Pretty provocative.

     Last night, I scoffed at Seacrest lying about the importance of tonight’s winner declaring that McCreery and Alaina’s potential new singles would only become singles if they won.  Tonight, he proved I was right by admitting both versions would be available for down load on itunes tomorrow.

     The final Ford Music Video of the year was “Whenever You Remember” and featured a montage of past videos from the Top 13.  In promoting the car company further, both finalists invited mentors from their school—Alaina’s principal and McCreery’s choir teacher—to the finale then handed them the keys to new Ford Focuses (Foci?).  It was no surprise that--as has been the case in the past few years--the Top 2 also got brand new cars, but they sure acted surprised when Seacrest told them they could have any Ford vehicle they wanted (Alaina’s 16; is she allowed to drive in Tennessee?)

12.   Lauren Alaina and Carrie Underwood:  “Before He Cheats.”  The former winner looked like a blonde J-Lo.

     In a taped segment, the Top 13 poked fun at the last two to make it to the finish line, which featured the return of the most wrinkled forehead of anyone I’ve ever seen in my life, Naima Adedapo.

13.   Beyonce:  “1 + 1.”  OK, this was just overkill.  The diva probably insisted on doing two songs especially since this was gonna be… what else?... her new single.  She began with the impersonal “Hello, ‘American Idol.’  Don’t mind if I sing to you all for one second.”  Heck, I wouldn’t have minded, but she lied and went on for some three minutes!  It was a dreadfully boring ballad with the singer repeatedly pleading, “Make love to me!”  Er, no thanks.  It made the program sag, drag, gag.  For the first time since critiquing this show, in the middle of the performance, I had to fast forward to the end.  Her voice is colorless, and there wasn’t anything to hook me.  If there’s any justice in the world (and Lord knows you won’t find it on “Idol” this year), it’ll be a flop.

14.   Reeve Carney, Bono and The Edge:  “Rise Above.”  Carney performs in the most-mocked Broadway musical in years, “Spider-Man:  Turn Off The Dark.”  The U2 members were there because they wrote the material for it.  It began with Spider-Man swinging throughout the Nokia theatre, landing on the ground, then hurling into the air before landing on the ground again.  I cringed, hoping we wouldn’t see one of those infamous accidents that’ve plagued the production for months (how many rehearsals in the Nokia did they do for those stunts?!).  At the end, our superhero came straight down—upside down--in front of Lopez.  It looked like she was going to re-enact that famous scene from the first “Spidey” movie where Mary Jane lifted the bottom part of his mask and kissed him.  Lopez exposed his mouth but then laughed and pushed him away.  Wow!  What a bitch!

15.  After returning from a commercial break, Seacrest was at the judges’ table with Steven Tyler nowhere to be found.  Oooh!  He’s finally going to take to the stage with Aerosmith!  Well, apparently, he hasn’t made up with his bandmates all that well because he performed solo, impressively playing the piano and launching into their first Top 10 hit (originally released in 1973, it didn’t break into the Top 40 until 1976).  And yes, at the age of 63, he was still able to pull off those high-pitched screams at the end, reminding us why the rock icon’s been called the American Mick Jagger and Aerosmith, the American Rolling Stones. 

     OK, what’s next?  That promised duet with James Durbin?  Maybe on “Walk This Way?” (you can’t let the “Academy of Country Music Awards” upstage you—Tyler did an exciting duet with Carrie Underwood of that hit last month.)  How about “Last Child” (When I interviewed him in the early ‘90s, I told Aerosmith bassist Tom Hamilton it was my favorite hit by the group and he co-wrote it; back then, they were trying to drill into journalists’ heads that from now on, Tyler would be called Steven and not Steve.  It took a while, but it now feels more natural to say Steven Tyler than Steve Tyler)?

     Then the “Idol” bumper hit.  What?!  That’s it?  One song?!  Holy anti-climax, Batman!  Anyway, look for the groups’ Greatest Hits albums to zoom back up the chart.  Would’ve been great if Randy Jackson had played bass on something tonight.

     Finally, it was past the 10:00 hour and Seacrest went straight to the results (I wish they’d showed videotape of both of the finalists’ journey up until this point, which is what each “departing guest” is entitled to… Wait a minute!  I hate those two!  OK, never mind).  Since the host let his “s” linger before fully pronouncing Scotty McCreery’s name, the finalist knew he’d won and already began bowing his head as the crowd went wild.  He sang his new single, “I Love You This Big,” laughing as he went into the audience hugging his family, coming back on stage to accept the congratulations of his fellow contestants, then hitting a bad final note.  The Top 13 was upon him, so it was hard to see but it looked like the 17-year old was having a mental breakdown as he fell to the floor.  He quickly jumped up smiling.

     And so, Season 10 comes to a close with ratings up from last year but its reputation as an arbiter of talent in the toilet bowl worse than last year.  Hopefully other journalists will catch on that like last time, it’s not just the quality of the contestants who make the Top 13 but the quality of the votes and who’s allowed to continue and who’s sent home.  An exaggerated democracy (letting people—well, mostly screaming southern teenage girls--vote as many times as they want) has made a joke of determining the best vocalist on the show.

     As to the future of this blog, I’ve been waiting for Neal Adams (Green Lantern, X-Men, Deadman), my favorite comic book artist of all time, to issue his latest issue of “Batman:  Odyssey” and he’s almost half a year late.  I was going to review his present work and compare it to his past, but I have no idea when the next issue’s coming out.  I may do a follow-up “Idol” blog next week to wrap all of this up and provide some updates.  Keep your eye on this space (or subscribe to it) for some fun.  And until then, remember, don’t try melisma at home.  If you don’t know what you’re doing, you could hurt yourself.

“As If It Matters Anymore: Two ‘Country Idols’ Continue To Bore” by Guy Aoki

[note:  Apologies.  Blogger was down for DAYS and although I wrote this review the night of the competition, I was unable to post it until now.]

Tuesday, May 24.  The farce that was once a singing contest draws to a close as the two finalists—both undeserving of having come this far—sang three songs in the final (judged) performance show of the season.  The contestants who should’ve been in the Top 2—James Durbin and Pia Toscano—were already knocked out by the dumbest voting audience in the history of the series.

     In the first season of “Idol,” no matter what Justin Guarini performed, the judges thought it was great.  I had a perpetual confused look on my face because I knew there was nothing special about this guy.  The Afro-sporting singer came in second to Kelly Clarkson--with whom he made the milk- it-for- all-you-can-before-people-forget-who-they-are/embarrassing film From Justin to Kelly-- none of his singles charted, his album flopped, and he quickly lost his recording contract (not even his manager—Jennifer Lopez’s—could revive his “career”). 

     Unfortunately, because Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina are country artists, there’ll be a place for them on country radio so they’ll probably do pretty well whereas Guarini had no radio basis of support because he was just another pop/rock/R&B singer.  McCreery has the kind of voice that’s perfect for country… and nothing else.  But either way, both he and Lauren Alaina were one-trick ponies who should’ve been knocked out ages ago.

     The first song would be the contestants’ favorite one they sang this past season.  The second was chosen by their “idols” and the third, an original composition given to them as their first single… if they win.  But really, who’s Ryan Seacrest fooling?  He already said the full version of all of the songs on tonight’s broadcast would be available as downloads on itunes.  What, if McCreery wins, you can’t buy Alaina’s single?  You’ll have to wait for her full album to come out?  Not likely.

     Before the competition began, Seacrest informed us that just a couple hours ago, Alaina had a little emergency.  Although she said she was fine now, the host called out a doctor who explained that during rehearsal, she blew out one of her vocal chords, but he gave her lots of medicine and she’ll be OK.  Judging from how she sang tonight, you couldn’t tell there’d been a problem.

1.   Scotty McCreery:  “Gone”/Montgomery Gentry.  Walking through the audience, he mumbled though the verse and displayed no energy until the chorus kicked in, confidently swinging his mike and engaging the audience.  Without any explanation, the “Idol” theme song sounded and Seacrest mentioned the numbers viewers could later use to vote for him (why not explain they were pressed for time—they had an hour and a few extra songs to throw in—so they were going to save the judges’ comments until the end of Round 2?).

2.  Lauren Alaina:  “Flat on the Floor”/Carrie Underwood.  Oh joy, this one began with a fiddle.  She looked fatter than ever.  If she doesn’t watch out, she’ll become this generation’s Wynonna Judd.  Jennifer Lopez gave her a standing ovation with Randy Jackson apparently feeling obliged to follow suit.  He should’ve stayed in his seat; it was no big deal.

3.  Once again, there was no behind-the-scenes tape.  We were just told that McCreery’s idol George Strait chose his own hit “Check Yes Or No” for him to sing.  The 17 year old’s eyebrows went crazy all over his head again and George Bush, Jr. turned in another forgettable performance.

4.  Idol winner Carrie Underwood wanted Lauren Alaina to do “Maybe It Was Memphis” by Pam Tillis.  She looked great in a prom dress and did all right on this midtempo country number. 

     Finally, Seacrest went to the judges.  For some reason, Jackson started it off, not Steven Tyler.  He said both of them did a “fine job,” asserting, “it’s so even!”  You can say that again.  They’re equally booorrringgg!  He called “Gone” brilliant, giving less significance to the definition of the word, and he… wait for it… felt he was at a Scotty concert.  The judge gave Round 1 to Scotty and a slight edge to Lauren Alaina for Round 2.

     Lopez said McCreery had “such an explosive start” but that his second song wasn’t as dynamic.  He agreed with Jackson on who won the rounds.

     Dirty old man Tyler apologized to McCreery but said Alaina won both rounds because “she’s prettier than you.”  Proving once again why the judge was such an essential part of the panel this year.  As if to fully demonstrate how much this show—the singers, the voters, and the judges--had long ago become a parody this year, Jackson had the urge to add:  “They’re both in it to win it!”  The guy’s really gotta expand his list of catch phrases.  At least he cut down on using “Dawg,” “aight,” and “you know what I’m sayin’” these last four months.  Now if he can only supress his urge to tell us to “Listen!”

     Seacrest announced the winning Coca Cola “Perfect Harmony” contest entry where viewers were invited to submit lyrics to a song Taio Cruz would compose and sing.  The host didn’t tell us who wrote the lyrics.  It’s called “Positive,” and Cruz made it even more insignificant by doing a lightly auto-tuned performance which always cheapens everything.  He was also late getting on stage--forcing Seacrest to vamp with the audience for a few seconds—and the sound dropped out of his mic for a couple of lines in the middle of it all

5.  We finally got to see Jimmy Iovine who selected the original songs for the final two.  Of “I Love You This Big,” Iovine felt it was the perfect single to launch Scotty McCreery’s career, and it had a big sound.  He told the singer to perform it big too.  Only problem is our poor country boy’s incapable of doing anything big.  His voice is always the same; only the band gets louder.   The performance once again began with a fiddle (sigh) and the ballad wasn’t bad especially when some strings crept into the track.  A major annoyance from probably every past season was finally back to put the final nail in the coffin:  The swaybots:  audience members in the front row who swayed their hands out of time back and forth and made any performance look lame (the only thing that would’ve made it even more stupid is if they had lighters in them).  I’m not the only critic who’s felt like taking a chainsaw and cutting off all of their hands.

     For some reason, Jackson went first again.  I’m glad he admitted he wasn’t sure it was the best song for McCreery, but he loved its range (what range?) and felt the vocal was brilliant (Justin Guarini time boys and girls; Lord give me strength—this too shall pass).  Lopez felt he was a great storyteller, which was important because it was a new song nobody knew.  Tyler felt McCreery nailed it again.

6.  Iovine gave “Like My Mother Does” to Alaina because he felt it captured her journey and how her mother’s always there for her.  Well, since Alaina’s only 16 years old, her mother or Dad have to be there with her; she’s a minor!  The damn swaybots were back.  No chainsaw was in sight.  Alaina walked down the stairs led by Seacrest--perhaps worried she’d fall as she did in the “Idol” house--so she could briefly sing to her mom in the audience.  It was clearly the stronger song and the singer was in tears as the audience erupted in applause.

      Jackson called it “amazing” and loved that she went into Mariah Carey’s “soft whisper” range at the end (for the record, it’s the part that’s always annoyed me about Carey—singing way too high for anyone but dogs to enjoy).  Lopez:  “With that song, you may’ve just won.”  Tyler reminded Alaina that the first time he saw her at her audition, he felt she was going to be the winner, and the country just might prove him right now.

     Seacrest asked the judges for their assessment on who won the final round.  Jackson gave a slight edge to Lauren.  Lopez backtracked saying they both did well (C’mon!  Take a stance for once!)  To his credit, Tyler didn’t try to soften it:  “Lauren gets it hands down.”

     For once, I agree with the judges that Scotty won Round 1 but Lauren Alaina won Rounds 2 and 3.  Doesn’t mean I’ll care when either wins.  As I’ve said, I fully expected Scotty to get the title no matter what was sung tonight because he’s a guy and the majority of the votes are cast by teenage girls.  But as he proved on “She Believes In Me” last week, he can’t do both high and low notes while Alaina can at least—at times—go beyond what little is required of country singers (cackling and throwing in sass).

     Former “Idol” winner David Cook returned to sing the play-out song the producers have used all season when looking back on the journey of the singer going home that week-Simple Mind’s “Don’t You (Forget About Me).”  His voice sounded kind of shredded compared to the original.

     Who should win “American Idol” based on the judges’ comments?  Lauren Alaina.  Who should win according to me?  Mumble bumble jumble.  What’s that?  Lauren Alaina.

     But remember, it still doesn’t matter.  Tune in tomorrow night for the extra-bloated, extra lunatic 2-hour finale where we see who gets the (cough cough) crown.

“Just When You Didn’t Think It Was Possible: America Makes Yet Another Stupid Mistake” by Guy Aoki

Thursday, May 19.  Sigh.  Just when you thought “American Idol” fans couldn’t get any more stupid, they prove it with who they supported to be in the Top 2.  How can more than 95 million votes (a new record for a non-finale) be so wrong?   

     The pimped movie of the week was Super 8.  J.J. Abrams (“Alias,” “Lost,” the rebooted Star Trek, “Fringe”) invited the top four (this must’ve been taped in advance because James Durbin was included even though he was voted off last week) to his Santa Monica headquarters to see part of his upcoming movie.  We saw many shots of the contestants jumping back in their seats at some of the action.  Gee, if that doesn’t get viewers to support this film nothing will, huh?

     We saw footage of the Top 3 going back to their hometowns on Saturday for welcomes fit for kings and queens.  Haley Reinhart returned to Chicago for the first time in three months.  Many fans came out even though it was raining.  In the limo, a burly security guy was crying.  Was this a joke?  Back on stage, that same guy was “crying” with Kleenex box in hand.  OK, it was a joke.

     The Ford music video of the week was for “Smile,” and it was instantly forgettable.

     Il Volo, an Italian group, performed the classic “O Sole Mio.”  All three men (the first of which looked like Barry Manilow with a smaller nose) had great, strong voices, but what the hell were they doing on this show?  Why not let some group from Korea do K-pop for that matter?

     Scotty McCreery flew back to Heather Woods, North Carolina.  After leaving his high school in the limo, he broke down and cried.  He also seemed to do that when riding in a parade in his honor.  The country singer previously worked at a grocery store, so he went back there to visit, and it looked like the entire place was filled with people.  While singing Josh Turner’s “Your Man” on stage, Turner surprised the contestant and ended up singing along with him.  McCreery also reunited with his family at their home and jumped on his old bed as we saw footage of him packing to leave for Hollywood three months before.  It was a nice juxtaposition of how much had changed since then.

     Nicole Scherzinger, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls, debuted her new single “Right There” which featured rapper 50 Cent.  Amazingly, with all the #1 hits she’d scored with her group, in 2007 and 2008, none of the solo singles she released even made Billboard Magazine’s Hot 100 chart, so her first album was shelved.  Let’s see if she does any better with this track.  It was obviously a taped performance as none of the judges were at their table.

     Lauren Alaina went back to Chattanooga, Tennessee.  As she looked outside the window of the airplane, I swear this 16-year old looked like she was 50.  While touring the devastation the storms did to familiar places like a high school where she cheered at during a game, she broke down and cried. 

     After getting the Top 3 to center stage, Ryan Seacrest pulled one of his groaners which was so contorted it made no sense:  “After the nationwide vote, I can now tell you… the results after the break.”  Uh, you used two time markers, Ryan:  “now” and “after the break.”  A contradiction, ya know?  Can’t the writers do a better job of holding us over another four to five minutes?  At least he barely pulled this kind of crap all season.

     As I said last night, Scotty’s gonna win this thing (it doesn’t matter what he sings next week because the girls just like him), so in order to create some suspense, I predicted Seacrest would reveal that Scotty was safe first so we could then ponder which of the girls would join him in the finale.  That’s exactly what happened.

     OK, so who would be his competitor?  Couldn’t be Lauren Alaina.  I mean, how many times did she screw up last night still unable to get her confidence up?  I’m no big fan of Haley Reinhart but at least she displayed range and pushed herself with challenging material.  Go back and read the title of this blog.  The stupid voters chose Lauren Alaina to make the finals. 

     Haley looked pissed.  Eventually, the smile returned, she said it had been a great experience and this was only the beginning.  She did Elton John’s “Bennie and the Jets” screaming the redundant chorus and confidently singing to each of the judges.  I gave her credit for that having that kinda balls, and she finished in the crowd in front of the rest of the Top 13 and her parents.

     Seacrest pointed out that the match up of Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina is the youngest in the show’s history.   More significantly, both are country singers, so as I said last night, I wish even more they’d just tried out for “Nashville Star” and saved me the aggravation of seeing them survive week after week with the most boring “range” of material in the history of the series (yes, past winner Carrie Underwood went on to a huge country career, but on “Idol,” she demonstrated the ability sing a range of songs including Heart’s pop/rock power ballad “Alone.”  Last night, McCreery couldn’t even hit the low and high notes of the country-styled “She Believes In Me.”)

     Someone has to do a demographic breakdown of who is actually voting on this show.  It’s gotta be inbred numbskulls from the south because they keep creating winners from that region whether they deserve it or not.  Just one more ridiculous decision for a contest that had already jumped the shark twice this season with the early elimination of Pia Toscano then James Durbin.

     The final performance show will be next week Tuesday (not Wednesday as usual) followed by the two hour finale on Wednesday with the usual assortment of real artists jumping on the “Idol” exposure bandwagon. 

     By the way, for once, “Idol” ended one-and-a-half minutes early so Fox could air a promo that ran exactly that long for Simon Cowell’s “X-Factor” which will debut in the Fall.

“Two Hours Of Bullshit From The Judges” by Guy Aoki

Wednesday, May 18.  OK, I’ll admit I’m still in a rotten mood over what happened last week where the stupid teenage idol voters sent James Durbin home when he should’ve won this contest based solely on his vocal abilities than clearly outshined those of the other contestants.  As we saw previews of clips of the Top 3 going home for a welcome fit for heroes, I could only think, “Oh Lord, I hate you all so much!” 

     Let’s face it:  It doesn’t matter who wins at this point because they’re all mediocre talents who should’ve been on other television shows.  With their limited country-only abilities, Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina were better meant for “Nashville Star” with the latter also a contender for “The Biggest Loser” (meaning lose some weight, 16 year old; what the heck are you eating at school?!).  Haley Reinhart should’ve taken a class for people with no musical persona who just pretend to be whomever according to whatever someone--like Jimmy Iovine-- tells them to sing.

     We saw a non-audio clip of 4^th place finisher Durbin going home to his homecoming in Santa Cruz, California.  Oh, but we couldn’t see too much of that because it’d detract from the three lesser talents remaining!

     Tonight, these hicks would fill two hours (yikes) with three performances apiece (noooo!).  The first would be a song of their choice; the second, a pick from Iovine; and the third, something from the judges.  Beyonce was the mentor for the first round.  Beyonce--who’s emblematic of everything wrong with hip hop and current music:  A diva with a colorless voice who uses melisma to create fake excitement and has recorded a series of meaningless records which nevertheless top the charts.  What made it even worse is that the ever-fawning judges pretty much liked everything no matter how boring or botched the performances.  Rather than tell you what they said, I’d rather do a parody of what they kinda said like, “Yeah, you ran out of breath in the middle, but you know what?  That shows how emotionally invested you were in that song!  And you pulled it off at the end and that’s all that matters anyway!”  Actually, you know what, that was scarily pretty close to what they actually said tonight. 

1.   Scotty McCreery:  “Amazed”/Lonestar.  Of the singer, Beyonce had this to say:  “He’s so… incredible.”  Wow.  Insightful.  Thanks.  Addressing how this selection would force him to sing in an upper register, the 17 year old felt it’s good to push himself once in a while (oh, for about two out of 35 performances; we don’t want to overdo it now do we?).  Beyonce tried to put a positive spin on it saying he was strategically saving the high notes for this late in the competition.  Pfft.  He’s bland as hell, woman!  The performance?  Boooorinnnngggggg.  Semi-long note at the end.  Big deal.

     Steven Tyler had the audacity to say, “you keep getting better and better.”  No, he keeps singing samer and samer!  Lopez said she’d advised him to use more vibrato at the end of his long notes and was happy he was now doing that.  Yeah, kinda camouflages the blandless of the rest of his notes.  Randy Jackson said McCreery was pitchy in spots but loved the ending exclaiming, “that’s money!”  Yeah, well, Randy, when he (and the others, as we’d soon see) can’t sing the rest of it well from beginning to end, that’s crap!  And you and the audience wound up with the wrong contestants!

2.  Lauren Alaina:  “Wild One”/Faith Hill.  Beyonce revealed that, like Alaina, she’s actually quiet in person, so before she goes on stage, she has to play a role, telling herself to go out there and be a diva.  That’s what Alaina has to do too because her nerves keep getting to her.  Nothing to say about the upbeat performance.  Of course, the judges loved it with Lopez saying you gotta “create a moment every single time” and that she had done just that.  Jackson felt her connection to the song.  Tyler, who has yet to disagree with the judges when they like a performance, said “you’re ready for America to just be all over you!”  Man. 

3.  Haley Reinhart:  “What Is And What Should Never Be”/Led Zeppelin.  During rehearsal, she looked like a nine-year old campily singing along to the radio with enabling parents encouraging her.  I still cannot shake this feeling that she’s always playing “dress up” and has no real consistent personality or conviction in most of what she sings.  Weeks earlier, Jackson had said he was confused as to what her musical identify was.  Maybe that’s my slightly different take on the essence of her problem.  However, both assessments lead to the conclusion that Reinhart lacks believability.  The singer chose the song because she grew up listening to classic rock and her father played in a rock band.  She hoped he’d be able to play (lead) guitar on her performance on stage.  It was a nice touch that he was allowed to and he was rather good, though it was weird seeing her dancing around in front of him trying to look sexy.

     After leaving the judges table and running back toward the stage, she fell and had to drop out a few lyrics.  At the end of the song, Jackson started a standing ovation.  Lopez felt her “raspiness is natural, and it’s not forced.”  Are you kidding me?  It almost always is!  Jackson exclaimed, “This is what it’s all about!... you’re fearless!  Not for the weak of heart… one of your best ever!”  Lopez, recalling how she’d just performed at Wango Tango and her mic went out when she was singing, noted these things happen, you just have to continue, and that’s what Reinhart did.

     Ryan Seacrest asked the judges who won the round and they all agreed it was Haley.  I’d agree with that with the worse being Scotty.

     Before introducing their second song, we saw the audition of each of the Top 3 with McCreery doing the by now annoying “Your Man” by Josh Turner because for a while, it seemed to be the only song he knew.

1.   Scotty McCreery:  “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not”/Thompson Square.  Iovine mentioned he produced Damn the Torpedoes by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and this song reminded him of that kind of material (could’ve fooled me!)  The singer came out singing while playing the guitar, and I’ve already forgotten how it went.  Tyler claims he’d never heard him deliver a chorus like that.  Lopez felt there were so many moments she loved in that performance, all of which were just in her imagination.  Jackson said it was a good choice and it was like watching Garth Brooks who doesn’t do anything fancy but still manages to engage the audience.  In other words, McCreery’s still boring.  Jackson did his by now meaningless cheer that Scotty was (say it along with me, boys and girls) “in it to win it!”  Yayyyy.

2.  Lauren Alaina:  “If I Die Young”/The Band Perry.  Weak choice by Iovine as it’s another forgettable song.  Our nervous contestant looked unconfident throughout the entire performance and was tentative before going into the final, modulated chorus.  Lopez, once again displaying her enabler tendencies, said Alaina had “the most beautiful tone” of any of the remaining contestants and called that botched spot “a very honest moment.”  Bullshit.  It was a very amateur moment.  Alaina admitted she missed the key change.  The others noted that she pulled it off at the end.  Which leads to the inevitable question:  What does it say about the caliber of our contestants if they only manage to salvage a performance at the end but essentially are weak leading up to it?  Proud of yourselves, judges?   

3.  Haley Reinhart:  “Rhiannon”/Fleetwood Mac.  Not a bad choice given the contestant’s sometimes raspy voice since Stevie Nicks had one too, albeit a more natural one.  Our curly- haired girl started singing it slowly as Nicks later did in concert, then the band kicked in with the wind machine blowing Reinhart’s hair and dress.  It was OK, but like everything tonight, it didn’t really take off.  Jackson laughed, asking her why she looked at the ceiling as if she was glad it was over.  She admitted she was happy she remembered all the words.  He said it was “somber” but felt she did a good job.

     Tyler felt Lauren had done the best this time around while the other judges voted for Scotty.  They’re all wrong.  Haley was once again the best and Lauren was the worst.   

      We saw clips of the Top 3 returning to their hometown with hundreds of people to welcome them, and the contestants all received word of the judges’ choice of what they would sing for the third round.

1.   Scotty McCreery:  “She Believes In Me”/Kenny Rogers.  Now, this could’ve been a strong choice because of the low notes that begin every verse and the high notes in the chorus.  But guess what?  Our boy couldn’t pull off either.  He started the song wobbly, and his voice sounded strained on the soaring chorus.  And on that final note when he could’ve ended strongly, it was more like a whisper.  Poor brain-damaged Tyler had the nerve to say it was McCreery’s first big chorus and that he “put it over the top for me.”  What the beep?!

2.  Lauren Alaina:  “I Hope You Dance”/Lee Ann Womack.  She did an all right job of it, but her voice is nothing special, so how could her performance be?  Lopez, proving she’d left her critical facilities at the door, said Alaina had already won that round, which probably made Haley wonder, “WTF?!  I haven’t even sung yet!”  Jackson had this insightful bit to add:  “In it to win it!”  Jesus H.W. Christ.  At this point, does that statement really mean anything?  It’s become almost has redundant as his past overused phrases like “Dawg!,” “for me from you,” “pitchy,” and “it was aiight.”

3.  Haley Rinehart:  “You Oughta Know”/Alanis Morrissette.  Hmm… OK, this could have been a good choice if she could get angry enough to pull it off because, well, it’s a very angry song.  No time for dress up, little girl.  You need inspiration?  Just remember all those double standard verdicts those darn judges gave you all season!  She changed the risque line, “will she go down on you in a theatre” to “will she go out with you to the theatre.”  Which makes no sense.  Reinhart performed the chorus OK but couldn’t inhabit the verses which, of course, had so many syllables and words in them she actually ran out of breath at the end of lines.  Her low notes simply weren’t there, and she flubbed, “well, you’re still alive” instead singing, “you’re till alive.”  She went behind the judges table and sang in front of them as well, went back on stage with one hand up in the air, then down, then up again.  You know, same old predictable moves.  Little girl playing dress up.

     Jackson said she was “amazing” on the choruses, but she had problems with the rhythm because it was so fast.  Still, believe it or not, he still shouted that she was (cue the parrot, boys and girls) “in it to win it!”  How the hell can that be true if she couldn’t keep up with the beat?  I swear these guys are on something because it’s like they’ve already made up their minds to not be critical at this juncture maybe because it would prove they wound up with the lamest Top 3 in this history of the series.  There.  I’ve just said it.  And it’s true.

     Lopez had the audacity to say no one would match Reinhart’s power.  Wow, if that were true, what a sad commentary on singers around the world.

     The conclusion?  Tyler felt Haley had won Round 3 while Lopez and Jackson called it for Lauren.  I’d say Lauren was the best and Scotty the worst.
     Let me just say Scotty McCreery will win this.  How can I predict this without even knowing who’ll be in the top 2 next week’s finale?  Because of those voting this year.  He’s the only one who hasn’t been in the bottom three and no matter how boring he is, the judges still treat him like the second coming of Johnny Cash.  And he’s a guy.  So there, he’ll win it.  Big fricking deal.  And he’ll go on to make boring country records.  Again, big fricking deal.  He could’ve accomplished that by trying out for any of the other country contests and not wasting our time here.  Same thing for Lauren Alaina.

     Based on the performances, who should make it to the Top 2?  According to both the judges and me, Haley Reinhart and Lauren Alaina.  Who will?  Scotty McCreery and Haley Reinhart.  Tune in tomorrow night to hear the meaningless results.

“It’s Official: American Idol Voters Are Idiots” by Guy Aoki

Thursday, May 12.  Many of you probably have DVRs to record your favorite programs while you’re away.  I have a DVD recorder.  If you’re considering getting one made by Panasonic, forget it.  My machine has conked out so many times I swear it trudges on just to piss me off.  At this point, it seems I have to use a DVD cleaner on every other operation or it won’t read anything or will actually damage discs making them unrecordable.  Apparently, a guy can’t set the timer for “Idol,” go out and celebrate his birthday with friends, come back and assume the machine did its job.

     In order to critique tonight’s show, I had to (ugh) read other reporters’ breakdowns of what happened then watch the show in pieces on youtube and various other sites, and I couldn’t find all the pieces either.  So screw you, Panasonic.  And screw you, blogger, for being down when I wanted to post this!

     Scotty McCeery and James Durbin came out strumming guitars for “Start a Band” by Brad Paisley with Durbin sporting a surprisingly convincing “regular” country-sounding voice.  Lauren Alaina and Haley Reinhart did another country duet--“Gunpowder and Lead” by Miranda Lambert--but Reinhart tried unconvincingly to act sexy and was vocally weak in the beginning.  Alaina, who’s only 16 and seemed unusually confident and brassy at her audition and during Hollywood week, lost her confidence during the actual competition but seemed to get it back the last two nights.

     She was the first contestant sent to safety.

     In a pre-taped segment, the Top 4 sat down to watch TV and this week’s guest mentor Lady Gaga in concert singing the song she let Haley Reinhart do last week “You and I.”  Although the leather-bikini clad performer later stood up on the piano bench and continued playing the keys, she couldn’t hide the fact that it’s still a forgettable song no matter who does it (it’ll be included in her upcoming album Born This Way.)

     There were lots of performances by outside artists tonight with Enrique Iglesias returning to sing a medley of his latest single “Dirty Dancer” and his recent comeback hit “I Like It.”  Both featured shaky falsetto segments.  Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks also took to the stage to promote her new record “I Am Woman,” not to be confused with the Helen Reddy classic or “I’m A Woman” by Maria Muldaur (though that would’ve been appropriate since it was written by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller, whose compositions were featured last night).  Thankfully, the singer lost the weight she gained a couple years ago and looked good in a silver raincoat skirt which she later took off to reveal a black skirt underneath.  She strutted through the aggressive Beyonce-like song with help from four female dancers then four male dancers, even kissing StevenTyler.

     Speaking of which, after all these years, the lead singer of Aerosmith finally got around to recording a solo single—“(It) Feels So Good”--and we got to see the premiere of the music video for it.  The clip started out in black and white and gradually moved to color then back and forth.  A 20-ish dirty blonde cavorted throughout the song as the object of Tyler’s lust.  Given how Jennifer Lopez got her first Top 10 hit in five years by debuting “On the Floor” on this show, Tyler’s upbeat track could become his first Top 10 success in 10 years since 2001’s “Jaded.”

     Scotty McCreery, James Durbin, and Haley Reinhart were called up to center stage once again.  At this point, it was a given that the men would be safe.  So it was surprising to hear that they were still in jeopardy but Reinhart—who landed in the bottom three more than any other contestant this season--made it into Top 3!

     The person going home was… James Durbin?!  OK, what the—beep!  You stupid teenage beep! beeps!  What the beep! is wrong with your beeping! tastes?!  First you send home Pia Toscano when she can sing rings around Lauren Alaina, Haley Reinhart, Scotty McCreery, Stefano Langone and others whom I choose to forget because they should’ve been eliminated long before her—oh yeah, Paul (ugh!) MacDonald.  Now you send home the other contestant who was a shoo-in for the top two?!  Does hearing real talent bother you?!  Does it make you feel uncomfortable?!

     It looks like this season will be known for two things.  One:  Against expectations, with Simon Cowell leaving and the risky addition of two new judges, “American Idol” actually maintained its audience from last year instead of continuing its trend toward losing viewers.  Two:  The voters were absolute idiots who voted to keep shaky-voiced male singers apparently because they were male, then “voting off” the two best performers in the competition early on.  After Toscano’s shocking elimination, the producers admitted they were considering giving the judges more of a say in next year’s voting process (because the public is getting too stupid to trust).  You can be sure they’re going to make that official now.

     We’re left with Scotty “Johnny one-note/country is all I sing and that’s all I have to do to please the judges” McCreery, Lauren “I don’t take chances every week but the judges anointed me “the one” since my Nashville auditions and I’ve gotten away with murder ever since” Alaina, and Haley “I put a growl in my voice to be sexy but I don’t really feel sexy because you know, I just like playing dress up” Reinhart.  Does it really matter who wins at this point?

     No.  “American Idol” has officially jumped the shark.  It’s become a joke.  Last year was bad enough:  Although the judges were blamed for putting through the most boring Top 12 of all time, people forget there were actually some unique-sounding vocalists in the Top 24—most of them women—but the mostly female teenyboppers who vote kazillion times for their crushes didn’t support them, and they were all gone before the competition really got moving.  This year, the public waited a bit to eliminate the talented ones.  Gee, thanks! 

     Rightfully so, Durbin looked surprised and upset to be kicked out.  Tearfully, though, he said today he had a feeling he would be gone but took pride because “I did so much stuff that’s never been done on this show before” and he did what he came to do—make metal music appealing to the masses.  Jennifer Lopez’s face was streaked with tears as she listened.  He sang Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed” as his swan song, going into the audience and kissing his fiancé.  By the time it was over, Lopez looked like she’d been crying.

     Are you still going to turn in next week to see the undeserving Top Three?  I’m obliged to since I started this blog, but at this point, it really doesn’t matter anymore.  Oh yeah, and f*ck you, Panasonic.