“Gigantic Shocker: America Screws Up Royally” by Guy Aoki

Thursday, April 7.  Tonight will go down in history as one of the three most shocking eliminations in “American Idol” history.  In the past, writers pointed to Season 3’s Jennifer Hudson being voted off while still in the Top 6 (I disagree—she never performed well on the show and I was happy to see her go as her wooly, gospel-influenced voice made her a walking black stereotype; it’s because she later won an Oscar that most people think she deserved to stay longer.  She didn’t.) and Season 5’s Chris Daughtry, whom many had expected to win the title but got cut while in the Top 4.  Casey Abrams’ near ejection two weeks ago was nothing to what happened tonight.

     Living in Glendale, California, home of the most number of electrical outages (outrages?), everything went dark three minutes before show time, and I missed the first 11 minutes of results night.  I’ve read elsewhere that the remaining contestants did a medley of “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, “The Letter” by the Box Tops, and “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd.  There was probably the weekly Ford music video, so I’m glad I missed that. 

     When the lights came back on, “Idol” was in the middle of a pre-taped segment where we saw the annoying, whiny Russell Brand bothering the Top 9 contestants with his forced attempts at humor.  This is otherwise known as Idol’s “pimp a movie a week” policy.  Brand’s remake of Arthur opens this weekend.  It’s got bad reviews, folks.  You probably don’t want to see it.  Full disclosure:  Yes, Katy Perry’s hot.  What the hell does she see in this guy anyway?!

     Ryan Seacrest, ringleader of this circus, asked Casey Abrams, Laura Alaina, and Stefano Langone to come to center stage.  Langone was in the bottom three. 

     Season 4’s Constantine Maroulis returned to perform “Unchained Melody.”  Oh great, I thought, the contestants sing cover versions every week and now, a returning artist also chooses to do an old song.  But before he opened his mouth to sing, his guitarist laced a lick throughout the arrangement, adding a different spin to the tired old tune which I’ve always felt had a disjointed melody.  The Greek God was in surprisingly strong vocal form though he wailed against the actual melody (and seemingly into another key) which I said was disjointed anyway, so that was probably an improvement.

     Earlier this week, Gwen Stefani met up with Pia Toscano, Laura Alaina, and Haley Reinhart to try on different kinds of outfits.  Why just those three, I wondered.  Why did they leave out… oh crap!  That’s all the females who’re left in the competition?!  Three out of nine?!  Gulp. 

     Paul McDonald, Scotty McCreery, and Pia Toscano were called up to hear the verdict on last night’s performances.  I thought, in a twist, all three would be safe which would make for an extra tense final grouping of three whereby two of them would be in the bottom three.  Actually, only one of this set was sent there:  Pia.  Big surprise.  Especially since she’s always been considered a contender for the title and had never been in the bottom three before.  

     We saw footage of the Top 9 going to the offices of TMZ.com for some “media training.”  And I got dizzy from the damn camera shifting all over the place.  Maybe that’s the way the TV show does it.  If so, I’m glad I don’t watch it; it’s annoying as hell.  Jacob Lusk said something, which, as usual, was impossible to understand, much like parts of his singing (remember “rarning” for “lightning?”).  The staff tried to give the singers cynical advice on what not to do in order to avoid being embarrassed by the media.  In other words, by assholes like them.

      James Durbin, Haley Reinhart, and Jacob Lusk were last to hear their fates.  In typically annoying Ryan Seacrest fashion, he said, “After the nationwide vote… James!... you are safe.”  I’m still waiting for when Durbin, who has Tourette’s syndrome, is going to swear either in the middle of singing a song or learning the results.  Can you imagine?  Maybe while delivering a tender ballad:  “You left me… f*ck you!  Huh?!  Oh, sorry!”  Or maybe when Seacrest calls him up with two other contestants on results night, Durbin blurts out, “God Dammit!” 

     “Easy there, James, I haven’t said you’re in trouble yet!” 

     “Oh, I’m sorry, Ryan, it’s not you!  It’s this condition I have.  I can’t help it!  I’ll--sh*t!” 

     Before we found out who was leaving tonight, we were “treated” to a performance by… Iggy Pop.  Iggy Pop?  Off the top of my head, I can name over 100 artists more deserving of exposure on television’s #1 show than that loser.  Tommy James and the Shondells, Richard Carpenter of the Carpenters, the Jackson 5 even without Michael Jackson, the sole remaining original member of the Temptations, the Pips without Gladys Knight.  You get the picture.  Typically, without any shirt on, Pop sang the repetitious “Real Wild Child” and looking really lame asserting “I’m a wild one!” over and over again first to the audience then to Jennifer Lopez at the judge’s table.  Uh, I’m sure she was really impressed, Ig.  As he sat on the lip of the stage, the 63 year old looked really tired.  In any case, this rocker certainly loss some “rock cred” tonight.

     Before going to a commercial, Seacrest said someone will “have to say goodbye… literally, next!”  Well, “next” is actually three to four minutes of commercials.  Who writes this stuff?  

     Calling up the bottom three, Seacrest continued to talk in double speak, reminding Lusk that last night, he’d said if he wound up in the bottom three it wouldn’t have been because he didn’t perform “Man In The Mirror” well but because people weren’t willing to look at themselves.  Perfect!  Pow!  Send that arrogant bastard home right now!  The host told the baby-faced singer he was sorry “that you will be leaving us… and going to safety on the couch.”  Dammit! 

     OK, weak-voiced Langone’s going home right?  No.  It’s Pia Toscano!

     What the--?!  There were loud, sustained boos in the audience.  Judge Randy Jackson yelled “No!  No!”  Lauren Alaina’s jaw was wide open.  Jennifer Lopez put her head in her hands.  Toscano tried to maintain her composure, probably because she knows whoever loses still has to sing.  Can’t lose it because then you’ll also lose your ability to sing right?  Seacrest asked Lopez for her reaction.  Through tears, she said, “I have no idea what just happened here…  I’m shocked and angry.”  Jackson said he never really got mad on this show, but “this makes me mad.” 

     We saw a tape package of her past with the show, and Toscano began to tear up when she saw the part where she said she auditioned in the memory of her grandfather (who always wanted to see her make it as a singer) who’d recently passed away. 

     As her farewell song, Toscano chose to sing “I’ll Stand By You” by the Pretenders which begins with the appropriate lyrics, “Why you look so sad?”  The band seemed unprepared for what song she was going to do with the first guitar chord clamming in loudly.  It never sounded like a full band arrangement as if some of the musicians couldn’t figure out what chords to play.  Toscano didn’t quite reach the glory note toward the end, but who could blame her?  Just before she finished the song, Jackson was on his feet giving her a standing ovation.

     The other contestants gathered around her on stage.  When she hugged Jacob Lusk, her back to the camera, she began sobbing.  It was heartbreaking.  The judges come on stage to offer comfort.

     Unlike others who analyze the show each week, I never ranked the contestants in order of

how I thought they’d finish.  I gave some hint of it three weeks ago (“The Wrong Person Gets

Sent Home,” March 17) when I asserted Jennifer Lopez shouldn’t have tried to saved Karen

 Rodriguez because there were far more important contestants than her and again a week later (“Shocking Elimination,” March 24) when the judges decided to save Casey Abrams.   But I always thought the final showdown would be between James Durbin …and Pia Toscano.

     Something strange is going on.  After the Top 13 were announced, for the first two weeks, nothing but women were placed in the bottom three.  Now, only two of them remain against six men including weak singers like Paul McDonald and Stefano Langone.  It seems as if most of the voters are women voting for their favorite guys.  Last year’s round of contestants were roundly put down for being the worst crop in the show’s history but most forget there actually were quite a few unique sounding female vocalists who inexplicably got voted off very early on.  Again, women voting for guys but neglecting to support their fellow women? 

     If this keeps up, the way we look back upon this season of talent may again be discolored by how the voters screwed it up.  Interscope Records, which began a new deal with “Idol” this year--like its predecessor Sony/BMG Music--has the right to sign any contestant they want no matter how well they do in the competition.  I’m positive they’ll be picking up Pia Toscano.  It’s just a matter of when they acknowledge it publicly.  If they announce it within the next few weeks, they’ll take away from the suspense of the competition (what does it matter who wins if you can get a recording contract when you don’t even crack the Top 8?).  So it’ll probably become official after the show ends in May.

     Be here next Wednesday and Thursday and see if the voters continue to screw it up.  And remember:  Never use melisma unless you know what you’re doing.  You could hurt yourself.