“Hallelujah! Praise The Lord!” by Guy Aoki

Thursday, May 5.  It was a great results night as the most over-rated singer of the pack finally had her comeuppance and one of the most irritating singers of the Top 13 was finally sent home.  Even though we got an overload of Jennifer Lopez.  Ah well, you can’t win ‘em all.

     First, the Top 5 sang the Turtles’ “Happy Together.”  Tellingly, Jacob Lusk screwed up the first line, seemingly already out of breath (time to lose some weight?).  James Durbin and Scotty McCreery sounded great doing the “ba ba ba baaaa” parts toward the end.

     In the Ford Music Video of the Week (to “Be Yourself”), everyone displayed a talent—except Lusk unless you consider skipping down the stairs without tripping something to brag about.  Durbin balanced a director’s chair on his chin while juggling.  Lauren Alaina threw cards against a board and they formed a diamond.  McCreery popped a wheelie, and Haley Reinhart drove a Ford which automatically did parallel parking for her. 

     In another annoying “Commercial within the show,” Chef Gordon Ramsey appeared to determine which of the “Idols” made the best omelet.  For the first time, he was smiling and didn’t say anything that needed to be bleeped (he finally got put on medication?).  When Ramsey announced that Lauren Alaina was first and Lusk second, our always “happy” fellow jumped up and down, clapped, and sounded and looked like a seal.  Oh Lord, please send this guy home already.  I can only take so much, and I’ve been so patient over the past three months…

     Lady Antebelleum, who apparently has a clause in their contact that they must perform on every awards show and “American Idol” at least twice over, appeared yet again singing “Just a Kiss,” a piano-based ballad which, at least, wasn’t bad.

     Then we wasted more time with a taped bit where the contestants jokingly explained how they decided what to sing and wear each week.

     Last week, when Ryan Seacrest called the singers to center stage to learn the results, we were shown video of the judges’ feedback from the night before.  This time, the host was back to just quoting the judges.  Only Interscope Records chairman Jimmy Iovine appeared on tape to give his take on how well the competitors did.  He felt that James Durbin let his emotions get to him while singing “Without You” and his voice “closed out.”  While he felt the rocker rated a 9 or 10 in the past, last night, Durbin only earned an 8.  I agree, though even if he’d held his emotions in check, the singer’s entire approach to that song wasn’t going to impress me anyway.

     I was glad to get an understanding of why I was so underwhelmed by Lauren Alaina’s rendition of “Unchained Melody.”  Iovine explained that she “pulled back on the biggest note of the song” because she chickened out again.  Her lack of confidence was her “Achilles heel” which would keep her out of the finals if this continued.  The mentor felt she’d be in the bottom two.  I certainly felt she belonged there, but she had always seemed performance-proof no matter how boring she was.

     There was a part two to Gordon Ramsey’s appearance:  He blindfolded the top two winners and had them identify different kinds of food. Lusk couldn’t recognize a hot dog.  Not a good week for him.

     A few weeks ago, “Idol” debuted Jennifer Lopez’s music video for “On the Floor,” which proceeded to #5 and became her first Top 10 hit in five years.  Tonight, she took to the stage to perform it although at first, it looked as if it was just going be another video because that’s what flashed on the large screen.  Pit Bull came out of the audience doing his rapid fire rap saying who knows what (why bother rapping anything when it’s indecipherable?).  Then Lopez came out with eight dancers strutting her stuff.  It’s a repetitive and forgettable song, but it was nice to see one of the judges actually get up, perform, and remind us why they deserved to give us their opinions every week.

     If that wasn’t enough, when we came back from the commercial break, we saw the debut of Lopez’s new video for “I’m Into You.”  Though it turned out to be just a snippet.   Sometimes I wonder if Seacrest knows what he’s introducing because it doesn’t always turn out to be what he promised (shouldn’t he have said, “We’re giving you a sneak peak of her video” or something to signal it wasn’t going to be the whole thing?).  Another repetitious, forgettable song.  But hey, it was upbeat, which I guess, counts for a lot these days.

     Continuing on with the results, Jacob Lusk was called up.  Iovine said the singer had a rough night because he was under-confident and in both of his performances, he was “slightly off.”  The executive gave him a 6!  I burst out laughing.  Seacrest asked him to stand near Lauren Alaina—and away from James Durbin.  Woo hoo!  That boy’s going home!  Now I’m the one clapping like a seal.

     Of his controversial suggestion that Haley Reinhart sing an unknown song by Lady Gaga, Iovine explained that Reinhart has been running in 4th or 5^th place, so she needed to do something risky.  He noted Lopez gave him a hard time about it but didn’t argue (or maybe his defense was edited out).  Iovine agreed with the judges that Reinhart “won the night,” giving her a 10 overall.

     Scotty McCreery did his uptempo song fine, according to the mentor, but he “came up a bit short” for “Always On My Mind.”  Seacrest clarified that last week, the singer hadn’t been in the bottom two (although he’d been the last person standing next to the person who was sent home—Casey Abrams; another sign the writers are not doing Seacrest any favors if they’re still confusing the audience and at least one reporter from Billboard Magazine).  McCreery was the first of the Top 5 deemed safe. Seacrest then tried to pull that “go stand with the group you think is also safe” crap and to his credit, McCreery refused to, repeatedly saying, “Don’t do that to me!”  So the host moved him next to Durbin and Reinhart and announced they were all safe.

     Jacob Lusk and Lauren Alaina (for the first time) were in the bottom two.  I cheered, knowing either way, it was gonna be a great night.  Alaina should’ve been in the cellar several times before for singing bland country songs, but the judges apparently swayed the voting public into thinking she was fantastic.  She’s become this season’s Justin Guarini from Season 1.  And we all know how well he did after placing an undeserved second don’t we?  Hopefully the same will happen to Alaina.  There is nothing special about her.  N-o-t-h-i-n-g.

     Earlier in the show, Seacrest said the results might surprise us.  So that gave me hope that Alaina would be sent home ahead of schedule.  Nah, it was Lusk (I guess if the host doesn’t say “you might be surprised” every week, we won’t be on our toes assuming we know who’s going home).  The conceited singer said America fell in love with him!  What the?!  Can we kick him in the ass before we send him home too?  He garbled some other junk in that low, rumbling, clanky, cackling voice of his, but I’m too lazy to rewind the disc to transcribe it, and he doesn’t deserve to have that asinine statement repeated.  I’m just glad the nightmare is over, and I won’t have to see nor hear this freak of nature any longer.

     For his swan song, fat cheeks/fat tongue sang “A House Is Not A Home” by (who else?) Luther Vandross.  Problem is, he refused to end the song, adding endless amounts of “yeahhhh!” s.  Just made me appreciate not having to see him next week.  Next!