“Night of the Boring Songs” by Guy Aoki

Wednesday, May 4.  Tonight, the Top 5 contestants got to sing two songs apiece:  a current hit and anything from the past.  The result?  Wow.  The most boring night of boring material in a looong time.  Sheryl Crow joined Interscope Records Chairman Jimmy Iovine in the mentor chairs.  She contributed some good ideas and looked great too.

1.   James Durbin:  “Close to the Edge”/30 Seconds To Mars.  In rehearsal, he sounded strong singing this with Crow.  Iovine felt this fit Durbin more than the ‘80s rock stuff he’s become so associated with.  It was an OK upbeat song, but unfortunately, he wasn’t that great during his actual performance, beginning in a range too low for his voice and even going slightly flat in the first verse.  Still, all of the judges loved it with Randy Jackson saying this demonstrated the type of record he’d be making, and he agreed with Iovine that Durbin wasn’t just a guy who did older rock songs well.  

2.  Jacob Lusk:  “No Air”/Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown. In an interview with Ryan Seacrest, Lusk once again displayed his arrogance claiming many people didn’t think he could make such a positive impact (pfft!  You’ve made my life miserable, you chubby-faced punk!).  The gospel-tinged singer was going to perform parts done by both Sparks and Brown and Harvey Mason, who wrote and produced the original hit, was going to record the track for Lusk.  Once again, while holding his long notes, the singer veered off course. 

     Jennifer Lopez said he had one of the best voices ever but because he sang different kinds of songs each week, she wasn’t sure who he was as an artist (sheesh, how can you stay in one direction—unless you do nothing but country like Scotty McCreery--when you’re forced to sing Beatles one week, Elton John another, and Carole King after that?!).  Jackson didn’t feel the song was in the right direction for his career adding that “most of it was sharp.”  The judge preferred to hear Lusk do more gospel/Luther Vandross material than R&B/pop stuff.  In a rare critical moment, Steven Tyler agreed, saying he was still waiting for the song that’ll be “you” where the contestant is not trying to be someone else (again, see my earlier question).  Lusk retorted that he felt he was an artist who appeals to everyone.  He asserted that Vandross did pop material too, not just one style of music.  Keep talking man!  Rule of thumb has been if you talk back to the judges, you get booted!  And you’re long overdue man! 

3.  Lauren Alaina:  “Flat On the Floor“/Carrie Underwood.  The overweight 16 year old (Tyler mistakenly called her a 15 year old) performed another boring uptempo country song that I’ve already forgotten.  But since the judges won’t criticize anything she does, Jackson said he agreed 100% that this was the direction she should go in.  Lopez said “You ate that up!” 

4.  Scotty McCreery:  “Gone”/Montgomery Gentry.  Crow thought the audience was going to be knocked out by the singer proving what a huge range he had.  Didn’t impress me.  He was back to his “security blanket”/baritone style of singing, though I give him credit for jumping toward the audience on stage and sassily jerking back and forth on this upbeat number.  Lopez exclaimed:  “I lost if there for a second, I was so excited!”  Jackson felt as if he was at a McCreery concert.

5.  Haley Reinhart:  “You and I”/Lady Gaga.  Iovine offered her a song the artist was performing in concert but hadn’t even recorded yet.  Reinhart wanted to talk to Gaga on the phone to make sure she was OK with this and she was, so the 20-year old took a chance on singing something that wasn’t known to most people.  You can understand the temptation to be able to say you were given permission by one of the top artists of the day to perform something she wrote that’s not even released, but this was a weak song and thankfully, the judges all agreed.   Good ole “can’t say a negative thing without dressing it up in sugar” Tyler said Reinhart was a perfect song away from winning the contest (meaning—not that one!). 

6.  Before going to break, Ryan Seacrest teased that for his second selection, James Durbin was going to do a hit from 1970.  I immediately thought of “Vehicle” by the Ides of March.  But the host kinda cheated:  The acoustic song was first written and recorded by Badfinger in 1970 but didn’t become a hit until 1972 when Harry Nilsson did his piano-based version.  During rehearsal, Durbin, upon hearing the lyrics, got so emotional he began crying and had to leave the room saying he couldn’t sing it because he was reminded of having to be away from his girlfriend and baby.  If he’d heard the tragic story of Pete Ham and Tom Evans—the Badfinger members who wrote that song and later hung themselves in 1975 and 1983 respectively--he probably would’ve had a mental breakdown!

     That record earned Nilsson a Grammy for “Best Pop Vocal Performance-Male” and deservedly so:  Towards the end when he lets loose on “Can’t live…” it still brings chills to my spine.  Durbin’s attempt just couldn’t compare.  He sounded disappointedly ordinary on the quiet verses (something that could never be said about Adam Lambert—to whom he’s often been compared because of his extraordinary vocal range) and once again sang off key toward the end.

     Jackson admitted the performance wasn’t perfect with his voice being both sharp and flat but it was “emotionally perfect.”  All in all, he felt the contest was Durbin’s to lose.  Even Tyler acknowledged the song got the best of the singer and that Durbin was “pitchy.”  Lopez felt he proved he wasn’t just a rocker but someone with a lot of heart and soul.

     Rubin, like Lusk, got a bit full of himself.  Still in tears, he said he left everything out on the stage every week.  Yeah.  Fine.  Too bad you can’t always sing it well at the same time.  I mean, I always felt this guy had a good chance of winning this contest, and of those still left, he still deserves to.  But lately, we’ve been hearing some problems with his voice. 

6.  Jacob Lusk:  “Love Hurts”/Nazareth.  Iovine felt the guy couldn’t keep dipping into the Luther Vandross/gospel genre because he needed to expand his fan base.  Lusk wasn’t sure of this suggestion because it was a rock song, so Crow sang it sweetly to show how it could work for him.  She sounded so great on it she should record it herself.  Lusk should avoid it.  His voice sounded too high, thin, and shrill, and he let out a predictable shriek at the end.  Tyler said Lusk got lost in the song (and that wasn’t actually a compliment).  Lopez said he brought it home at the end (meaning it wasn’t great at the start).  Jackson felt the singer redeemed himself on this one (meaning his first song sucked) and that he must’ve hit the highest note of anyone ever on that stage.

8.  Lauren Alaina:  “Unchained Melody”/Righteous Brothers.  As Winnie the Pooh would’ve said, “Oh bother!”  I’ve always hated this so-called classic and nicknamed it “Disconnected Melody” because it goes all over the place and just never gels.  Constantine Maroulis already did it a few weeks ago but at least he changed the melody to make it more interesting.  Alaina stayed true to it, throwing in the melisma the judges like so much (if you don’t do it, it means you don’t care enough about winning!  Yeah, right.  It actually means you’re not annoying older listeners like me who feel it’s clichéd and unnecessary).  Problem is, it never built up to anything.  Melody-wise, she kept shifting downward.  No big finish as original singer Bobby Hatfield (whom I interviewed in 1990 when this became a big hit again thanks to Ghost; great, funny guy) managed with “Ohhhhh mmmmy loooovve!”  Thoroughly boring. 

     But of course, our tone-deaf judges who proclaimed her the second coming since her audition, thought it was fantastic.  Lopez said “Nothing to judge there!”  Meaning it was well done.  It speaks volumes to how, when critiquing Alaina, they take off their judges caps and replace it with dunce caps.  She’s the most overrated performer of the season.  Tyler could only say, “As she said, there’s nothing to judge!”  Thank you, Tyler, for those crucial, irreplaceable comments!

9.   Scotty McCreery:  “Always On My Mind”/Elvis Presley.  Iovine pointed out the contradiction of the judges telling the country singer to be himself yet stretch.  Yeah, in other words, continue to bore us by singing country songs the same way every week which show no range or variation except for however the band’s playing them.  I almost fell asleep during his version.  At least when singing ballads, the cocky little critter’s eyebrows don’t begin dancing around his head like earthworms, and he doesn’t give us that George Bush smirk.  Jackson reused his old “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” motto.   Seacrest asked about McCreery being ¼ Puerto Rican, and the singer pointed to his grandmother in the audience who was 100% Puerto Rican.  Seacrest asked her how she felt about his performance, and it was cute to hear her speak.

10.  Haley Reinhart:  “House of the Rising Sun”/The Animals.  Ughh.  This is almost as boring as “Unchained Melody!”  What’s wrong tonight?  There was no limit on what hits from the past the contestants could sing and they chose these clunkers?  Maybe it was Iovine’s fault showing his ‘60s bias.  He asserted that if Reinhart had been a teenager back then, she would’ve recorded this (fantasies, fantasies!).  The jury’s still out on that.  Anyway, she once again looked hot in rehearsal with straight, blonder hair (but she was back to her darker, curly locks on stage).  Crow suggested Reinhart try singing the song without the band to show what a great voice she had.  That’s exactly how she started her performance on stage:  a cappella. 

     This reminds me of how much Reinhart has benefitted from the mentors.  Early on, she irritated me with her overuse of melisma on top of her already willowy voice.  They must’ve kept that in check because she’s improved a lot since squeezing into the Top 13 and working with Iovine and the others (they also prevented Lusk from going so over the top he’d have people like me throwing things at the TV set).  Still, I wasn’t knocked out by this performance.

     All three judges gave a rare standing ovation.  Jackson said it was the best performance of the night.  Tyler loved it because it was “sweet and sour and raspy.”  Lopez felt the singer came out angry and it helped her performance.

     Tomorrow night, I have no idea if--like last week--Seacrest will just announce who’s going home without even revealing who were in the bottom two or three.  But if he does, I’ll predict the cellar’s residents will include Jacob Lusk and Haley Reinhart (the other three have never been in the bottom three).  Going home?  If there is a God, he’ll finally put me out of my misery and send Jacob Lusk packing.

     Check in tomorrow night to see how it goes.  Jennifer Lopez will perform her current Top 10 hit “On the Floor.”  Hopefully it’ll be live and not taped as Paula Abdul did in 2008 with her first new song in 12 years because…  Well, maybe she’d suck live, ironic since she expected the contestants to be able to pull it off on stage every night without the chance to redo mistakes even though she herself no longer could.